People say, "Christians just get married to have sex and live with each other".Yeah, what's your point?
I have spent my early twenties taking full advantage of my singleness. I even spent three deliberate years celibate and single so that I could focus on the LORD. In that time, I traveled to over a dozen countries researching the second largest illegal industry in the world in places like Juarez, Mexico, Cartagena Colombia, and Kampala, Uganda. I was a filmmaker in Hollywood, a coffee snob in Portland, memorizing the subway in Manhattan and renaming all the beaches I frequented in Hawaii. If you want to ask anybody about the benefits of being single, ask me.
But I can feel my values changing. I have a growing desire for intimacy, commitment, and cohabitation. And despite my investigation of commercial sexual exploitation around the world, I really would like to know what it's like to have sex with someone.
1 Corinthians talks about how the desires of a married man are split - that he has to focus, not only on the things of the LORD, but on the desires of his wife... And I'm okay with that. I may not know all the benefits of marriage, but I can name a few that I'm really looking forward to - namely sex, cohabitation, commitment, and kids.
But I'm not married. And I'm not single. I'm in a relationship. Call it a dating relationship if you want. Call it courting. I've kissed both goodbye, then come back on my knees, asking for a second chance. The truth is that, whatever this gap is between singleness and marriage, it sucks. It's like taking the worst part of marriage and the worst part of singleness and putting them together into a brand new, life-sucking relationship status. All due respect to my girlfriend (to which MUCH respect is due) but dating her - a gorgeous, God-fearing, patient and loving virgin - has been the hardest part of the last five years of my life.
Why is it so much trouble? I think it's because of this one fundamental philosophy I have that says this: The more you reserve for marriage, the more meaningful marriage is. And the more meaningful your marriage is, the more likely it's going to succeed. We know this to be true with sex, for example. If you reserve sex for marriage, then every sexual act with your spouse is a celebration of your commitment - a remembrance of your wedding day. It's like re-stating your vows every time you do it. Indeed, reserving sex for marriage will bond the two together in a way that will not be easily broken.
But it doesn't have to stop there! I've seen people reserve their first kiss for the altar. Call it weird, but now every single kiss they ever have is a special experience unique to marriage. That makes the marriage have more bonding - more significance. And in a culture where marriage is completely insignificant, it's worth fighting to make matrimony unique in any way possible. Save sex for marriage. Save kissing for marriage. Save holding hands, spending time together, saying nice things, talking in general, thinking about talking, thinking about thinking, etc, etc...
Whoa. Hold on.
Surely, I've taken this philosophy too far. But look through the Scriptures - there's almost NOTHING that speaks on the space between marriage and singleness. It's almost like it doesn't exist. I don't exist! And because of that, I am so overwhelmed with anxiety that I can't think. I want to make a decision - to return to the solid, familiar ground of singleness, or push forward to the new world of marriage. But I'm sitting here, floating on the Santa Maria with no food and no wind. If I drift for too long, I will be lost at sea until this ship sinks. My God, what do I do?
In my study of sexual exploitation, abuse, healing, and healthy relationships, I came across Steve and Celestia Tracy, who wrote a book called "Forever and Always: The Art of Intimacy". It talks about varying degrees of intimacy, namely: Relational Intimacy, Emotional Intimacy, Spiritual Intimacy, Physical Intimacy, and Sexual Intimacy. All intimacy is bonding, and every bond hurts to break. But it seems that, while these bonds were never meant to be broken, God asks us to make them. Every relationship (not just a dating relationship) is a risk. But we can't go into relationships trying to avoid pain. Instead, we must understand the risk and vulnerably offer that to our neighbor, our friend, our date, and even our spouse. Not only that, but Christ has given us an exceptional example and inexhaustible resource of risky, painful, and completely fulfilling love.
So maybe it's going to be a long journey on the sea of uncertainty - the crap hole we call dating. And sure, being "in a relationship" is just this quasi-committed secular phrase we've wholeheartedly adopted in the church without batting an eye. But it's a rite of passage that the wealthiest and most entitled and individualistic generation in the history of the world must take. Whoa is me. And what's worse, I've got to hike it with this blond-haired, blue-eyed fox of a lady who, for some reason, has stuck around this long as a friend, a sister, and a companion through thick and thin. That, I must say, is a wonderful benefit of dating.
