I have a lot of friends who are getting engaged. It's killing me.
Or maybe I do. Because four weeks later, I'm so lonely that I'm actually writing a public post about my personal pains and problems. It feels like one of those outreaching, self-absorbed pleas for you guys to look up at me and give me some affection. Or maybe it's that artistic passion to express myself. Or maybe it's something I need to do in order to move on.
Either way, I have to ask the question that I've been asking.
Who is 'The One'? Is 'The One' even out there?
Allow me to get theological and heady, as to avoid personal vulnerability for a moment. The answer is yes. God is in control of all things, including the person I marry, the children I have, and whether or not they love Him. Proverbs 16:33 says, "The lot is cast into the lap but its every decision is from the LORD". We could get into an argument of theodicy and throw around a few verses about God's sovereignty versus our free will (and I would win of course) but I'd rather move on and explain the importance of this belief.
Four years ago, I met a young man named Jonah while he was giving his testimony at his baptism on Easter Sunday in Los Angeles. Afterward, I went up and prayed with him. We ended up praying and crying there for nearly an hour. And for the weeks and months to follow, we met up and chatted about things of importance - namely God and girls. Together, we prayed for our future spouses.
Sounds cliché I know. But a thousand miles away, a young woman named Faith was praying for her spouse too. They had grown up together, but it wasn't until Jonah left LA and returned home that a flame was kindled. Over the course of several moments, their love grew strong, and they were affirmed with various kinds of "unexplainable spiritual connections". You can ask him more about it if you want.
I flew to Texas for his wedding in November and then didn't speak with him until a couple of weeks ago (figures). He told me that, in the trials of marriage, which come often, they continually look back and see God in their decision to live together forever. That gives them strength in their times of pain and difficulty.
Knowing my recent state of singleness, he said, "Take heart - I know the one is out there for you, walking around somewhere. I know because we prayed for her."
It actually hit me like a frying pan. So simple and yet so profound: we prayed for someone I may not even know! But does God know her? Do my prayers have any effect on her life right here and now? The truth is - must be - that, if we offer a prayer for our spouse before we're married, God listens - He does something in the spiritual realm, preparing the both of us for each other.
I remembered traveling to The Congo a couple years ago for a documentary I was shooting. One of the men - a pastor named Dr. David Kasali - let us stay in their home. And over a freshly roasted lamb and some very delicious vegetables, he told me, "Phillip, you are already in a relationship with your spouse - you just don't know her yet".
This caused me to look at women with an eye of respect, knowing that they too are in a relationship with their spouse, and it may not be me. (Even writing that now, I am convicted to change my attitude about how I treat girls). But it also encourages me to know that God is in control and able to develop my spouse and me into who we're supposed to be even before we ever meet.
With that in mind, you may be saying, "Phillip, God could decide not to bless you with a spouse". Of course that's true. And here's where "free will" comes in. I have the choice to get married. Probably the one hard part of being a man is that I really have the responsibility to initiate a relationship and to propose marriage to a woman. That's quite a lot of weight. And my decision could be catastrophic. I need to approach such a thought with wisdom, knowing both myself and my spouse well before we decide to get married.
But one thing I've recently learned is that I can try as hard as I want, but if I don't feel intensely - even spiritually - drawn to love this woman for the rest of my life, then it wasn't meant to be. Call me crazy, but that feeling really does have a huge place in love. It causes us to go and do stupid things, like get married. I would even dare to say that it's given to us by God.
And when she walks up the alter and we recite our vows, I will know that she was the one God had for me. She was the one that He had prepared before the foundation of the earth. Our choice and God's election are a paradox, but one that fits well into our paradoxical Trinitarian faith.
Paul tells us that marriage is a symbol of Christ and the church. And just as I look forward to seeing my bridegroom at the altar of eternity, dressed in white above the crimson rose peddles of Christ's blood, I wait in eager expectation to be married to my wife. While I said yes to Jesus, it was the Father who "drew me" to Him. And he will likewise draw my wife and I together to be an earthly symbol of our everlasting marriage to Christ.
Sorry to get all theological. But that truth does something to my heart. It allows me to accept my place in life. It keeps me from turning the corner and looking for my wife in any passing girl. It reminds me that the one - the True One - he has already gone to prepare the wedding feast. So I'm engaged, just like my friends!
And just like their engagement, sometimes our time waiting for our bridegroom really sucks. But for all those in my boat with me, hold firm! Don't awaken love before its time! Great things are to come. And if God agrees with our prayers, we'll get a chance to experience the best expression of God's love for us on this side of Heaven's altar.
